Mafia Gazette Issue 7
'The Mafia Gazette ' For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Issue 7 12 March 2012 'GODFATHER VS GOD-SON ' By Holly Hunter Self proclaimed 'Lone Wolf' God-Son received an unexpected visit this Saturday from Godfather JP McGarr and his men. Having become aware of God-Son’s trigger fingers as of late, McGarr considered it necessary to leave God-Son with a warning. We managed to track down God-Son, who was still checked into the local hospital, having received a brutal beating with a baseball bat from McGarr’s men. “Godfather JP McGarr doesn’t like punks like you making his streets look like a war zone,” God-Son quoted the man responsible for his cracked skull and broken ribs. We asked how he would describe the experience of meeting Godfather JP McGarr in such a way. God-Son had this to say: “I never felt such a beatin' in my life. I remember at a young age having to fight my way through numerous soldiers to join this street gang and even that beatin' wasn't as bad as the Godfather's wrath.” While God-Son is recovering quickly from his encounter, he states he has learned from this experience and has retired his gun for the time being. “In respect for Godfather McGarr, of course.” 'EXECUTIONS ON THE RISE ' By Carmela DeAngelis It appears that the Administration are keeping a very close eye on the community. IN the past few days there have been a number of executions, the most recent of which, an impostor by the name of Tom-Tanzini, was executed yesterday afternoon. A spate of executions followed the discovery of corruption at the race track where tens of millions of dollars were swindled by three people. It was a couple of days before they were caught, but caught they were, and their deaths swiftly followed their trial. Others who had been involved escaped with long jail sentences and confiscation of their ill-gotten gains. The Administration have posted a reminder of the rules of the community in an attempt to bring order to the streets and lessen the need for executions and lengthy jail sentences. 'AGAINST THE ODDS ' By Holly Hunter A sudden battle between New York and Chicago last week left funeral homes over encumbered for the better part of the month. Street Boss Cory “Relapse” Chase was found dead in Las Vegas after a Mr. Shoopy attacked him without warning. Upon learning of the tragic end to befall their late boss, the majority of The Chicago Foundation took up arms against Shoopy and his accomplices. Unfortunately, the body count that ensued was extremely one-sided, to the dismay of Chicago. As bodies littered the streets and the battle moved cross country, a local resident had this to say: “Never in my years have I seen someun’ dodge bullets like that Shoopy feller did. Five men firing and he takes them out one by one. I was nearly believin’ he was some sorta superhero type. I woulda been cheering him on if he weren’t one of those criminal types too. But if ya ask me, anyone who cleans out that much of the country’s trash deserves a metal or sommit.” Shoopy and a few of his comrades fell in battle a few hours later, but with only a handful of its original crew still intact, the lack of future for The Chicago Foundation was more than evident. 'BODYGUARD BRIBERY BANNED ' By Holly Hunter Hours following the release of the last edition of the Mafia Gazette, congress announced bribery on all counts is now a crime. Honest working men and women across the country have risen up in protest, but their cries remain unheard. The timing too perfect to be a coincidence, much of the country believes mobster men with deep pockets and too much to lose may be behind such a decision. While such a conspiracy is possible, the bribery of officials to condemn the bribery of bodyguards seems a bit backward, although apparently effective. No matter the propellant of the law, mobsters now rest easier knowing their hired men are safe from the clutches of the common citizen. 'ART COMPETITION- THE WINNER IS ANNOUNCED ' By Carmela DeAngelis The winner of the Gazette Art Contest has been revealed as Kandice Kane. Sadly, Ms Kane has since passed away, so the prize will be given to her descendant. Our winner received 50 Godfather favours and has had a name of their choosing immortalised. The Gazette will also be awarding cash prizes to the following runners up: Second place went to VitoScaletta who will receive $50,000. In third place was Mr_Ambiguity who will receive $30,000. Our final prize winner was Louella, who will receive $10,000. Any descendants of contestants who have since passed on should contact us at the Gazette to receive their prize money. Congratulations to all our winners and thank you to everyone who entered. 'LOTTERY NEWS- WINNING NUMBERS ' By Lucy Luck Sunday’s Jackpot of over $38,000,000 appears to have 4 winning recipients. Draw #7 on March 11th numbers were 12, 20, 21, 22, 32, 34. Second prize (20% of the jackpot) was divided amongst an additional 70 tickets holders. Draw #8 is scheduled March 18th at 8:00pm. 'WEEKLY HOROSCOPES ' By Madame Mystery Aries (March 21-April 19) Last week was a hard one, and you’ve been given your fair share of downs. So early in the year it is easy to get discouraged, but look up! When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. A positive outlook and an optimistic attitude will do wonders for you this week. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Keep a close eye on your spending this week. You are more likely to lose money than make money if you aren’t careful. Be wary of high prices, and paying more for items than what they’re worth. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Sources say the West Coast is going to be unlucky for you this week. It would be wise to keep your business and your travels Eastward instead. If you must travel West, trod carefully and keep an eye over your shoulder. Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Friends come and go, but experiences last a lifetime. Try to target those who are more a burden on your well being than a positive influence, and root out the people who aren’t worth keeping around in the long run. It might be difficult initially, but the rewards are worth it. Leo (July 23 - August 22) Though your outspoken nature works for you most of the time, this week it would be wise to mind your tongue. Signs point to a social disagreement in the near future with devastating results. Keep yourself in check, and you should be fine. Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A potential new lover approaches this week! Though excitement may get the best of you, don’t forget your personal goals and your current loyalties. You must know first what you want before you can possess it. Libra (September 23 - October 22) Carelessness will lead to an accident for Libras this week. Check your footing, watch out for that ice, and pay attention. Without caution, a tumble or a pull will affect you for the rest of the month. Be aware and stay safe! Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Apt to party a little harder this week than usual, while Scorpio might enjoy this bender, those around will not appreciate it as much. Be considerate, Scorpio, and try to remain level headed for the sake of you loved ones. Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Signs point to exceptional luck this week in respect to financial well being. Spend the extra few dollars on that lottery ticket. Make those wagers. And keep your eyes peeled for rogue bills on the ground. You’ll be rolling in the dough soon enough! Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) Feeling overwhelmed with the amount of work you need to do this week Capricorn, you might not know where to begin. Start where you stand. Tackle any extra housework you’ve been putting off early this week. An organized home leads to an organized life, and you will rest a little easier each night. Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) The season has been dragging on and you’ve been feeling cooped up lately. Days can become dull, and work is no different. Go out of your way to try something new this week, do something different. It will help with the rut you are in. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Currently under the Pisces sign, you’ll find yourself in a better mood this week. Luck is heading your way, so keep an eye out for it. Say yes to opportunities, and take the extra step to be as productive as you can. Reap the benefits of sitting under your sign now as there are only a few weeks left. 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